George Floyd

After a couple of days of seeing the name George Floyd in my social media, I finally decided to see what everyone was talking about. I looked it up after hearing that an innocent man was murdered on the street at the hands of 4 police officers. I finally watched a short clip that was put up by a news station. I saw what they were talking about. A police officer kneeling on the back of his neck while he pleaded for help and repeated that he could not breath. I couldn't get myself to watch the real clip. After about 2 days of not being able to forget about it, I finally watched it. After watching that clip, it completely changed me. Everything I thought I knew about racism changed. What I thought I felt about racism changed. I was a different person after watching that clip. All of a sudden all of the riots, all of the anger, all of the hate towards the police made sense.  I understood why Colin Kaepernick from the San Francisco 49rs took a knee during the National Anthem. It wasn't about being disrespectful towards veterans. It wasn't about being disrespectful towards the flag. It was about making a statement. I see why people choose to riot vs have a peaceful protest. Because after all of these years of peaceful protesting, not a thing has changed. This morning I watched a video about conversations black parents have with their black children. A father talked about a conversation he had his with 8 year old and a saying she learned to say in case she was ever pulled over by police. The little black 8 year old was taught to say "I am (her name) and I am unarmed, please don't hurt me" That immediately put a big knot in my throat. I am so privileged to not have to have those conversations with my children. I don't live in fear wondering if my children will "fit the description" I also learned that the saying "I want my children to be colorblind" should not be the goal. Instead it should be "I see you, I see your skin, and it is beautiful" Also that saying "I don't see race" is ignoring racism. I learned that it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be antiracist. I learned it's not enough to be silently unracist but we must speak up for our black brothers and sisters. We must use our privilege to stand up for them. Something they do not have the privilege of doing without being shot on the spot. This week changed me. It changed the way I see black people. To be honest, I have not been around black people very often in my life.

After watching the video of George Floyd last night I kept watching videos on You Tube. I started watching videos of victims who had been abused. Young girls. I just kept going down this rabbit hole of evil. It made me wonder how in the world I was supposed to keep my children safe.

People on the streets were rioting over opening up California due to Corona Virus. And then innocent black men are being killed by cops and now watching videos of girls being molested by their gymnastics doctor. It made me think about my Lilah. About how I am supposed to protect her. She will be so vulnerable when she is a teenager. I am scared of her being abused now, specially since she cannot talk and tell me if someone has touched her inappropriately.

This world is so sick right now. It feels like we are in the middle of hopefully some good change. But change is hard and uncomfortable.

This is such a scary time to be raising little children. I don't trust any man around my children. It is somewhat mentally exhausting. I hope that I can equipt my children with the right tools to become strong and confident teenagers and young adults.