The NICU

Since my water broke for 17 hours prior to giving birth to Lilah, I got an infection (Chorio). When we went into our postpartum room, the doctor on call came in to assess Lilah. She suggested that we start her on prophylactic antibiotics which would last about 3 days. I agreed to start the treatment that night, which meant that they took Lilah away a couple of hours after getting settled in our room. It was kind of sad not having her there but at the same time it all felt so surreal. Not having her there just made it harder to wrap my head around the fact that I had, had a baby. That night I thought, well at least I would try to get some sleep since I had only napped the past 2 days. I guess I forgot that there was no sleeping in the hospital because I was up every 2 hours taking meds, answering questions, getting up to walk, having my vitals taken and other stuff. 

In the morning, I was woken up around 6 by my nurse and then people started coming in around 7 to have me sign papers and who knows what else. Needless to say that 11 AM came around and I woke up thinking about what a neglectful mother I had been all morning. Mike and I had passed out when every one left and hadn't even gone to see our baby. I woke Mike up and told him to go see Lilah. I felt so bad because she was lonely all night long and now morning. That morning I tried my best to get out of bed so I could start getting better to go see Lilah. That morning I was only able to walk to the door of my room but I figured it was a start. I was definitely grateful that Marcia and my mom were allowed to go into the NICU and visit with her, even though at the time they couldn't take her out of her incubator. 

While I was in my room I focused on trying to get out of bed as much as possible so that I could sit in a wheelchair long enough to go and see Lilah. I also started pumping so that she would have a little bit of her mama's milk. That first day of being without Lilah was a blur. I was glad Mike was there to go visit her and take my milk down to her every 3 hours so that I could at least help with her feedings. 

 

When I was finally able to see Lilah ( I think on the second day), I felt so bad that her little hand was in an IV board. I felt so guilty that she had to go through this and that she had to get an IV. I was happy to see that at least she looked comfy and warm in her little bed. When I went to visit her for the first time, the nurse let me take her out of her incubator and hold her. It was so weird. Was this really my baby? The baby I carried in my belly all of these months? It still feels surreal to know that she is mine. 

From then on I went downstairs every 3 hours to take her some milk. Even though she was clueless that I was there, I wanted to be there for her so that she wouldn't be there all by herself. 

Waiting to ring in the new year

This picture below was taken at New Years Eve seconds before 2017. It was really a beautiful way to start the new year surrounded by the two most important people in my life. I was thankful that Lilah was healthy and only had to be in the NICU to prevent an infection. I have seen parents go through some really hard trials with their kids in the hospital and I couldn't imagine having to go through the things they had gone through. There are so many things that could have gone wrong in labor, so I was grateful to have my little family safe and healthy. 

 Happy New Year baby girl!

A nurse was so sweet and offered to take our picture as a family of 3!

Daddy's girl

Tired Daddy

The next couple of days were tiring. I would get up all night to pump every 3 hours. Mike would wheel me down to the NICU every 3 hours so that we could do Lilah's feedings and change her diapers. 

And all while this sleeping beauty comfortably slept through it all. She was such a sleeping beauty that the nurses were worried that she was not eating enough. At one time they talked about putting a little tube down her nose to feed her! I thought no, way! I agreed to supplement with donated milk when she needed more to eat and Mike and I would make sure to feed her. I felt that since the nurses were probably busy, they needed to rush feedings more than I did. I also thought that she was so little and she didn't need to eat so much every single time (But ofcourse I wasn't a NICU nurse, just her mama:). Also, how did those mothers upstairs do it when they have newborns and they breastfeed exclusively. How do they know how much their babies are eating if they can't see? I didn't see those babies downstairs get tubes. I was a little irritated with the whole situation but I was determined to be there and feed her myself so that she could eat enough to make the nurses happy.

So thankful for grandmas that were able to come and visit. Since it was RSV season, only parents and grandparents were allowed to come in and visit the babies. This was one of the few advantages of being in the NICU, I knew that I didn't have to worry about sick people getting close to Lilah. 

Michael sailed right into fatherhood like he'd been doing it for years. 

Here's one of our many trips down this elevator to go and visit Lilah. 

On the third day of getting her antibiotics, the doctor said that he wanted Lilah to do a week's worth of antibiotics instead of only a couple of days. This would mean that I would be getting discharged before her. I was worried about her staying there. My doctor was nice enough to extend my stay to 4 days even though I was walking by this time and felt well enough to go home. I was so thankful that they let me stay so that I could continue to do all of her feedings and visit her as much as I could. I would feed Lilah, change her diaper, spend time with her and then I would come to my room, eat, pump, have a little break, and start the cycle all over again. I have no idea how parents do it whose kids are really in the NICU. That must be absolutely exhausting. I definitely learned to empathize with those parents even though I really had to clue what it was to really be a NICU parent. 

On the fourth day of her being in the NICU, the nurse came up to me and said that she noticed that Lilah's breathing was "a little fast" I thought, great! another thing to worry about. Her breathing looked absolutely fine to me but it still worried me that she said that. She also said that if Lilah's feedings didn't pick up that she would be staying there longer. GRRR! My baby is fine, I kept thinking. Quit coming up with things. She is healthy!

I couldn't wait for her antibiotics to be done so we could go home and they could stop worrying me with their diagnosis'. 

Another thing that she noticed was that Lilah was getting a little yellow. I had thought that was a normal thing for babies but again, I began to worry. When the doctor came to do his rounds that morning, the nurse approached him with all of those questions to which he replied, "She's fine, we'll just keep an eye on it. And her breathing looks normal to me." Yay! Thank you doctor! It was such a great relief that the doctor agreed with me, Lilah was fine. She just needed to eat up to the nurse's standards and finish her antibiotics. 

The doctor had mentioned that her blood count had improved alot since starting her antibiotics which was the reason he decided to continue them for the entire week. I felt more at ease knowing the reason why they had extended her meds and that the doctor was just being precautious. 

Mike and I continued to visit Lilah as much as we possibly could while taking turns resting in my room. 

Katie and Mike brought me flowers, definitely a nice little pick me up

Since the minute she was born, this little chick was always so wide awake

The nurses were so surprised at how she would track you across the room and even lifted and turned her little head so she could find you

Another thing that was really hard was that after a couple of days they had to switch Lilah's IV. Oh man, my mama heart broke into pieces. They said it would take about 15 minutes and it ended up taking almost 45! I was so worried that something had gone wrong the entire time we were in the waiting room. I know as a nurse that things always take longer than expected but I was not thinking as a nurse, I was only thinking as Lilah's mom. When we finally went back to see her, I noticed she had 2 sticks, one in each hand. Oh man, my heart broke. I felt so bad that she had to feel any pain so early on in her life. They had been sticking her little heels to get blood for her glucose tests also. She had a bunch of little sticks in her feet. That broke my heart also. We could not come home soon enough. 

Baby Lilah full of wires. My friend gave me the tiniest onesies because they never fit her daughter. I thought they wouldn't fit Lilah because they were so little but it turns out they fit her perfectly and even a little loose. Here's her first outfit that we were allowed to dress her in. It made me feel that we were a little closer to home now that we could dress her. 

So alert. Always wanting to know what is going on in the room. She was only like 4 days old in this picture! 

Maybe she recognized my voice because she would just look up at me when I held her. 

The day that I was discharged from the hospital, the nurse said we just needed to leave by midnight so Mike and I took full advantage and didn't leave until 1130pm. We spent the entire day going up to see Lilah. It was sad knowing that I had to leave my baby. Even though she didn't sleep with us, it was nice knowing that she was downstairs and I could visit her first thing in the morning. 

That night while we were driving home, my heart was broken leaving Lilah. I cried the whole way home and I'm pretty sure I cried my self to sleep that night. I was mad that things hadn't gone like I wanted them to and that we had all these things happen. I was definitely being ungrateful. 

The next day I told Mike to go early and see Lilah. Mike was there from 8-12 to do her feedings and I was there from 2-midnight. I was so thankful that Mike was willing to get up early so that I could get some sleep without feeling guilty that no one was there to see Lilah. We did that for the next two and a half days. It was tiring but there was no place I would've rather been than at the hospital. While I was there, I worked with the lactation specialist and she helped me feed Lilah. 

Also, while we were there, we realized that Lilah had a tied tongue which was the reason I thought she wasn't eating as much. They kept saying that if she didn't eat more that they would keep her longer but then the issue would never be resolved since they only did tongue clippings at the clinic. They needed to clip her little tongue so that her feedings would get better, duh! Thank goodness once I started working with the lactation specialist, I started breast feeding Lilah more and they calmed down with the strict eating schedule. I felt more relaxed knowing that we weren't all so pressured for her to eat so much and so often. 

FINALLY! The discharge day had arrived. I was so anxious for her antibiotic to be done so that we could leave. I was worried that they were going to say something else was wrong and that we had to stay there longer. 

The night nurse had given her meds a little early so that the morning meds could be given a little bit early as well. I was so thankful that we were able to leave earlier than planned and that all of the paperwork was ready to go on time. 

Changing Lilah into her going home outfit, yay!

She was so little, she was swimming in her little outfit. Which by the way my mom bought and picked out for her. Poor abuelita was so sad she couldn't be there for Lilah to come home. 

She looked so cute! 

Ready to go home! 

First time in her carseat, woohoo!

Going home as a family of 3

Michael said he was nervous going home. I think that's why we took so many side streets. It was really a beautiful day, thank goodness because it had been raining all week long. 

Michael drove us home safe and sound

Finally home! Time to start our new life!