My Angel baby

WARNING: Super duper long post

 

It has been a week since we found out we had lost our little one. Man talk about the longest week of my life. I had been super stressed about school this month. My LVN-RN bridge class has gotten so intense, half the class has failed out already, yikes! But my Heavenly Father has been so mindful of me and what's going on in my life. I guess I should start with Tuesday, oh I don't think I'll ever like Tuesdays again.

FRIDAY

Okay actually let me start with Friday. I had gotten home from work and Mike was at his dad's house watching football. I was so tired I slipped into jammies and went straight to bed. But I couldn't go to bed. I kept thinking and thinking about the baby. Have I felt the baby move lately? It had been such a wiggle worm the first trimester, what happened? Has the baby just changed positions? I started googling "stillbirth" and there were really no signs of a baby passing away. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Is my baby okay? I must've cried from 9pm-12am that night. I kept thinking I needed to prepare for the worst just in case. But was it just my hormones making me worry? Something kept telling me to prepare for what was coming but ofcourse I chose to dismiss it, it's just me being crazy.

SATURDAY

The next day I woke up with my eyes swollen. I sucked it up and went to work. I thought for a second I had felt the baby and was a little relieved but in the back of my mind I still had my doubts.

MONDAY

Monday came along. I tried to focus all day on my test. It was going to be the hardest test yet and If I was going to fail out of the class today was going to be the day. I asked for Mike to give me a blessing. I had studied and practiced in lab so much but I was scared my nerves would get the best of me. After all, one screw up and I was going to get kicked out. To my surprise that day at class I was so calm and peaceful. Everyone kept asking me why I wasn't nervous, and they said I looked so calm. Ofcourse I knew it was because of that wonderful blessing my husband had given me. It was my turn to go one on one with the instructor, and before I knew it, it was all over. I talked to my friend that day about the feeling I had but we both decided I was just being over protective.

TUESDAY

 Tuesday morning I woke up and got ready for my doctor's appointment. It was just supposed to be a quick check up so I didn't tell Mike to come with me. He was going to go to find out the gender with me that coming week anyways. So there I am, sitting in the waiting room. I was a little nervous because since my doctor was on call, I had to go in with a different doctor. He asked me if I had felt sick at all. No. Any problems? No. So then he went and got the Doppler. He put the warm gel on my belly and searched around for the baby. I remember last time the doctor had a problem finding the baby because it would move so much, but this time it was taking even longer. He searched. And searched. Nothing. I tried to stay calm, but my thoughts were racing through my head. Then he said "the baby must be hiding" So then he went and took out the U/S machine. And he searched. And searched. "There's the pregnancy" he said. I could see a little leg. No movement what so ever. I stayed calm. "Let me see if we can get a stat ultrasound" And he left the room. Don't cry, I kept telling myself, don't cry. Ofcourse the fastest "STAT" U/S they had was the next day. Once they scheduled me for an ultrasound I ran out into my car. And I cried. I tried to get myself together so I could call Mike, but nothing but sobs would come out. I finally called him. The doctor wouldn't tell me what was happening but it was apparent. My instincts were correct. I had lost my baby.
I immediately texted my mother in law and my mom. I couldn't believe this was happening. "Why me?"
Since I couldn't wait till the next day I went to a 3D place only to find the same thing. I had warned the girl about what was happening before going in. She also gave me the run around. I held it together till I got into the car. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I got into the car and called my mom. Told her we had lost the baby. I cried all the way home.
 I got home snuggled into my blankets and cried like never before. I waited for Mike to get home. I was trying to stay calm. But as soon as he got home he grabbed my belly and we both began to sob together. I had never had anything bad happen to me in my life. I had never been so sad before. I realized how much I had fallen in love with our tiny little baby.

WEDNESDAY

The next day I went in for my "STAT" U/S. I didn't want my mom to get upset from seeing me cry. (She had gotten in the car and come to Highland as soon as I left the 3D place) So I tried not to think about it. I tried not to think about anything. I went in to get my U/S and after searching around my belly for a couple of minutes, the girl left the room and went and got a co-worker. They both mumbled something and the co-worker left. Then the U/S tech said she'd be back and left me alone in the room all by myself. Again I told myself "Don't cry" I kept it together all the way upstairs walking to my Doctors office. When I went to check in I didn't notice some friends of ours were waiting in the Lobby, as soon as they saw me they yelled "Joanna! Congraulations! We heard the news, how exciting!" "Don't cry" I told myself. And so I went and sat with them and told them what had happened, they made sure to tell me how sorry they felt for me and how horrible and sad it was. All I wanted to tell them was to shut up. I managed to keep it together. I finally went in to see my doctor and she only confirmed (Finally) what had happened. She told me that we could either wait and see if my body would deliver the baby by itself, go the D&C route, or give birth naturally. I had already thought about it, and the only thing I wanted to do was give birth to my baby. I waited till the next day to be admitted to L&D

THURSDAY

Thursday morning we checked in to the L&D unit in Redlands Community Hospital at 7AM. I was nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I prayed that morning for nice nurses. When I got to my room, it was the biggest room they had and my nurses were already busy getting everything prepared. When I first got there I changed into my wonderful hospital gown and they came in to do labs and start my IV and all that. At 9am they gave me my medicine to induce the labor. I started feeling some cramping and bleeding but it was still tolerable. At 1pm I got my second round of medicine. I had been dilated 4cm by now. I was starting to feel more pain but things were moving along so well I was scared any pain meds would slow down the process, so I sucked it up. At 2pm I went to the bathroom only to find that the meds she had put on my cervix had come out. And thank goodness, because by 2:30 the pain started coming. I think if she would've put the medicine in right, it would've been a nightmare. I did whatever I could to relieve the pain. I rocked back and forth in bed, turned off all the lights and listened to classical music, did yoga moves in bed. I was getting so nauseous and I could feel the contractions feeling stronger. At 5pm the nurse came in to see if she would give me my third dose of medicine but when she checked me I was already dilated 10cm. So it was time to push. It hurt so bad every time they stuck their hands up there while having contractions and having to push at the same time, but finally our little baby was out. I couldn't see the baby because it was so small and I had to wait because the placenta wouldn't come out. They took the baby and cut the cord. They said they would call the doctor and see if they needed to do a D&C. No! All that work for nothing:( The next our was excruciating pain. The contractions were coming soo strong! I tried to push with each contraction. It hurt so much. I was throwing up. I would try to rest between the pain. It hurt so much to push. But finally the nurse came in, and just when I was going to ask for pain meds. She checked me one last time, and after a couple of pushes, the placenta came out...HALLELUYAH! The doctor came in shortly after that and stuck his whole hand up there and made sure everything was out, ouch! Thank goodness it was and he said if the bleeding slowed down we would be able to go home that night.

After all the craziness and after being NPO all day I ate the most delicious sandwich ever. Rested for a few minutes and went back to hold our baby.

It was the most beautiful little alien baby I had ever seen :) It had 10 tiny fingers and toes. There had been no Kellies used to bring my baby to this earth. It had all been me, just the way I wanted it. No tools needed. I couldn't stop staring at it. I had created this little being. Our baby was now with my Father in Heaven. It was perfect. It knew no sin, it knew to pain, it was perfect. It had two eyes, a tiny little nose, and little mouth that looked like it was smiling. It broke my heart that I wouldn't be able to have the baby in my belly anymore, it was no longer going to be a part of me. I'm sad things had to end so early for us, but I know everything happens for a reason. Heavenly Father knew how heart broken I would be and he wouldn't have me go through this for no reason. Now looking back I think that Friday night a still small voice had been telling me to prepare.

FRIDAY
Friday was hard. I didn't realize how hard it would be to not have the baby with me anymore. It had stayed in the hospital, with who knows who. It was still my baby, not a science project and in my head I hoped whoever my baby ended up with would treat him/her gently, just like his momma would.  I didn't want to worry my mom that day. I knew she would be leaving soon and didn't want her to leave knowing I was a mess. I cried in my bed all morning quietly. I then got up, showered, put on a smile. I had to go to school and practice in the lab. My mom let me go only because I told her I didn't want to lose a baby and get kicked out of school all within a week. I kept it together at school A little achy. But feeling okay. Afterschool I cried all the way home. That night when Mike got home from work I couldn't wait to be in his arms. He let me cry myself to sleep in his arms that night.

For a while there I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. All I could do was cry and think about our baby. I was such a fast hello and goodbye. I always dreamed about the day when I would deliver our baby and it would be placed in my arms. I wish I could hold it one more time. I know my Heavenly Father had a greater work for this little being. And whatever he/she is doing right now, I hope it knows how much I will always love him. For being my first baby. I'm so eternally grateful to my Father because he gave me the chance to be pregnant and be a mommy, even though it was a few short weeks. I'm so thankful I got to feel the baby move so early in the pregnancy. I regret taking things for granted. Like every little kick. Not a day has gone by that I don't think about my baby. I wish so bad I could be pregnant again this minute. But I know everything has it's time. It's hard not to think about it, specially since every. single. friend I hang out with is pregnant. But I try to stay positive. I'm trying to focus on school now and passing this class. Every day gets a little easier, but i'll always miss my angel baby.